I don't look depressed. Hurray.

Edit: Originally published May 2015.

I'm starting this with a 'long story short' attitude, so let's see how that goes.

The fact today happened on Mental Health Awareness Week is a complete coincidence, but made me want to share it even more.

So, after 11 years of being diagnosed as 'clinically depressed', I finally made some progress late last year in tackling some of the issues around that area of my life. 

Feel free to enjoy that chapter over here....

My GP referred me to to another department, naturally, and eventually, I was given an appointment with a psychiatrist. She was lovely. I've seen her numerous times and, while the sessions have been draining emotionally, it's been great to feel like progress has been made on some fronts.

Meanwhile, the process of diagnosis on with the autism side of things is slow - I've been told bluntly several times that even being "diagnosed" won't lead to anything, so that's reassuring. But personally, it's more about me understanding myself, so I'm not focusing on that.

Alongside this, I was sent to the psychology team. I know. It's basically one appointment after the other these days. I had the most amazing session a few weeks ago that basically laid out a plan for 'helping' me. 

Which brings me to today. I was going back to the psychiatrist for a 'check in'. I was in generally good form today, so wasn't hesitant or nervous about going along. I gave a quick update and said I was feeling good today. Then came the clanger.

"As soon as I saw you today I thought, you don't look depressed!". I'm not even sure how my reaction may have come across. I just laughed. 

Is that not the most ABSURD sentence to say to someone who has been taking anti-depressants for 11 years?! WHAT does that even mean?

I was in good form, I was fine being there. But wow. Shall I just cancel my appointments, flush the tablets down the toilet and consider myself cured?

Of course not. I can read between the lines and take it that it wasn't meant in exactly that manner. But what if I wanted to take it the other way? What if another person wanted to? I laughed, but when I told Mother Love, she couldn't quite believe it. Now I'm quite annoyed at not having reacted correctly in the moment. 

If I or another person wanted to pull the wool over someone's eyes about our mental health, just how easy can it be made?! It may be difficult to see through it at all times, but if I was faking my mood today for someone else's benefit, that was an alarming success. 

That was my last appointment with that person, who discharged me back to my GP - especially as the new psychology appointments are about to begin. While I'm relieved to know I'll be working on specific issues with another person, it's worrying that another has ticked a box and sent me off again. Just another figure on a report. 

With #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek in full swing, it's more important than ever to remember that a smile does not mask suffering. Don't just presume that my good mood today means 11 years of confusion, fear, pain are over. One day I want to say they will be, but that's not today. 

We don't know what the next few years hold for any of us, but mental health funding cuts coupled with a 'snap out of it' attitude, leaves me frightened for the millions who are and will try and deal with it alone. Never have organisations like Mind, Samaritans and Rethink been so important. Don't ignore them. Fight for them, even if you don't need them now, because you never know when you or a loved one just might. 

That 'long story short' thing went well.